I've got to get back to my psychologist and work on my resentments. D reminded me of this. His suggestion was to go try Al-Anon again, but honestly the two Al-Anon groups available to me really aren't that helpful. I've tried...of course it could be that I'm holding on to resentments and that is blocking the help I could be finding at either one of those two available groups? So...if that's the case, I should work with my psychologist, I think?
The thing is, before this alcoholism raised it's stupid ugly head, D was my go-to person to talk things out with and NOW? Well, now I can't because talking things out with him only make him more anxious. The last thing I ever want to be is a stumbling block for his sobriety. In any way. I know he can't DO anything about my resentments, but talking things out always helps me clear my mind and figure out my next step or what my real problem might be...he just can't handle that and probably never will be able to, because part of the resentments are the consequences of his drinking. Which he has to let go...
We went by the BIG house on Friday, to check the paint work and to make the next knock list to get it on the market for sale. When we pulled up, I noticed that the Abhole had put ALL his grass clippings in OUR yard. Not bordering his yard and ours, but waaaaay over in our yard. PISSED me off! Which was upsetting...I can be tooling along, totally content with my life and then suddenly something seemingly small and insignificant can blow me off my path...and on Friday it was the pile (BIG ASS PILE) of his grass clippings in our yard. And my upset over it (okay, I ranted!) knocked D off course as well...and I "ruined" a good visit to the house and his good mood at seeing the progress made.
I apologized to D on Saturday morning and we discussed resentments. Naturally he has some as well, aimed at his brother, but he is trying to own his own culpability due to his drinking...and he should. It's not ALL the Abhole's fault, but the Abhole SURE took advantage, and continues to do so with his infamous revisionist history mind set. The 'ho doesn't help, because she's his biggest propper and his biggest cheerleader, even when he is being morally ambigious. As long as it rains $$$ on her head, she doen't mind, and they both lie to suit their own purpose. She always has, and now he's picked up the habit.
See...not only do I have resentment against the Abhole, I have BIG resentment towards his 'ho...okay, his wife...wife #3 if we are counting.
HERE is the crux of it all. I want to forgive them. I want to just be able to let it go and let them live their lives. Their lives aren't as wonderful as they let everyone else think they are, with all their trips and their redecorating and their purchases of condos in Mexico, Colorado, California and Florida. I know
that. I used
to be friends with the 'ho, back when she first started dating the Abhole. I know her history. I know her struggles and I try really hard to allow her this small victory
she think she has by marrying a wealthy OLD man...and I do feel a bit sorry for her. BUT when she tells people that I am crazy. Tells people our daughters illness is BECAUSE of her CRAZY PARENTS. Tells our neighbors that we have filed for bankruptcy and that the Big House has been foreclosed on...which we haven't and it hasn't and people believe her, because as far as they know we are family, right?
And now she's got her daughter dissing us. The girl and her new fiance' were at the ballgame with us on Saturday night and sat as far away as possible, never spoke and when they had
to pass us, they went a row below us and kept their shoulders turned away. Up until about 2 months ago, she and I were okay. She had wanted D and I to come to her college grad party, and that was nixed by the 'ho (and I get that...there would a concern by the rest of the fam that D might drink, mainly because no one has interacted with him since he's been home and they have no idea how he's doing)...D was informed that the girls wedding would be small and family only. And guess what? His only living brother, wife and niece/nephews are NOT family all of a sudden. Although they've put the Abhole on the invite as her parent! He's been married to the 'ho all of 4 years!!!! It reads:
"Mr. & Mrs. Abhole
Mr. Ex-Husband (no mention of his wife of 16 years here)
request the honour* of your presence at the marriage of their daughter...."
*honour? Like they are Canadian, or British, or even proper!!!! Let alone that they know of what honour or honor actually is comprised!
In spite of not being invited, I discussed it with Miss R (leaving D out of the discussion totally, because who knows what will make him feel bad/sad/mad/guilty in regards to his
brother these days?) and ordered the girl & her fiance' two china salad plates with their monogram on them. When they arrive next month, I will wrap them, find an appropriate card and write a little "well wishes for their marriage" note and leave it on the Abhole's desk about a month before their December 17 wedding. JUST because we are no longer acknowleded by him and his 'ho, and just because we aren't invited, doesn't mean I can't use a little Emily Post manners and send a gift and my hopes for a happy married life to them. NOT being passive/agressive here, which is why I discussed it with Miss R first. She can always see when I'm being P/A and calls me out on it. She said she thought it was a very nice and very
correct thing to do, and that it showed GROSS lack in manners on the part of the Abhole & his 'ho to leave his only living brother out of the whole wedding thing...not even an announcement, which they are sending to friends who aren't attending the wedding (because it's "small"). Nothing...no acknowledgement at all.
I do worry that one day, when the Abhole finally stops breathing his last breath (he's 73!) and the 'ho is "QUEEN HO, yo!" that D won't even be allowed to the funeral...I can totally see her doing that. Just because...she has in the past (with a former fiance' who died from cancer before she could get him to the altar and get his $$$) made sure to separate the man from his family and make HERSELF and her own family more important in his life. Hell, the guy that died? She wouldn't allow him to be buried in the family cemetary in his hometown! She insisted he be buried HERE. Broke his mother's heart!!!
Okay...done ranting for the moment. I know that D is has to own up to his own shit in this scenario. His drinking caused a SHIT TON of our problems and that it's not all on the Abhole or his 'ho. I know that. And I know that I allowed shit to happen as well...so there is that. Which is why I need to go see my psychologist...and that part of the resentments is just the tip of the iceberg; there is still dealing with my Mom's illness AND Miss R's illness.