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june 19, 2011::father's day

I hate Father's Day. It only serves to remind me of 2 things. (1) My own father has been gone for almost 11 years & (2) the father of my children is failing them.

I came back home yesterday evening, because the boys had sent some panicked texts about coming home for Father's Day.

Currently they are out, buying Father's Day gifts and cards for their father. They had no ideas what to get him. I can't blame them. We have a closet full of gifts that he has received over the years that have gone un-used.

I opted to not get him a gift or card this year. He's not my father, for one...and I can't remember if he did anything for me on Mother's Day or not.

He's already had a few drinks. Thinks I don't know it....whatever.

june 9, 2011

very brief update: i have run away from home. last friday actually. just couldn't take his shit anymore, so i left. the kids are fine. in fact they are coming down to the beach today to spend the weekend with me.

not sure when i'm going back yet.

the sucky part of this is that when i woke up on saturday i was running a fever and i've been sick since i got here.

so...not much in the way of relaxation and beach walking and reflection for me. some sleep. a lot of sneezing and coughing and sweating and feeling tired.

a lot of his calling and texting and emailing and "missing" me.

heard from the kids that he's been drinking the whole time i've been gone. of course if i had been home he would have been drinking and i'd be sick and having to deal with it, so NO GUILT FELT HERE AT ALL.

heard from my mother that he didn't like living alone...yes, tell an 83 year old widow, who misses her husband every single day since he died 7 years ago that YOU don't like living alone.

ugh. feeling like shit. gonna lie down and hope this passes....watch me have some weird ass disease. :p

june 2, 2011

i woke up to the ringing doorbell. painters are here again today. hopefully they will finish today.

i've already finished 4 loads of laundry, had 2 cups of coffee and 2 tbs of almond butter for protein...ready to start my day. NOT!!!!

i started re-reading "neon angel" this morning, because i adored the runaways when i was a teen. i wanted to be cherie currie. i even had her stage moves down pat and would practice in front of my bedroom mirror with a string tied around my bottle of tickle deodrant.

uh, tmi....

i'm meeting with our marriage counselor in about 45 minutes, on my own.

sure didn't share with D that i was going to do this.

last night was the same ol' same ol'....fixed dinner for the two of us, the boys had headed out and miss R was at her house.

i watched some tv, read for a while. he went to bed around 8:45...i went to bed around midnight...

something has got to give.

if nothing else, the laziness or the incorrect assumption that i am suddenly e.e. cummings...now where is that cap key again????

june 1, 2011

I could have probably just posted the above picture as an entry and left it at that.

It's been going on again since late February, after 6 1/2 months of relative peace and calm.

Our marriage counselor said yesterday that we are a Jekyll & Hyde couple. When we first started meeting with her, last July, things were still in that awkward phase of a couple still new to sobriety...as the months progressed and his sobriety progressed things were fine. Now it's all upside down again.

He's defensive. I'm tearful. Nothing much gets done. In fact I'm starting to think we are wasting our time and hers with the marriage counseling if he's going to continue as he has been over the past 4 1/2 months...which is drinking M-F and sober on the weekends.

I had made the conscious decision last year, while he was in treatment, that if he began drinking again that the marriage was over. I told him as much. Only because I don't want to start hating him.

So now he is drinking again and I'm just sort of frozen. My brain has gone to mush...I can hardly remember or process things. I totally forgot I had a haircut appointment last week and then again this morning. My weight has ballooned up to where I don't even have the courage to stand on the scales and look. Last night I crawled in bed, said my prayers and then just prayed over and over again, "Help me, God, help me".

I spoke with an attorney about legal separation and about divorce. Just to feel out the process. I have grounds. And they are even legal grounds in this state.

(a) The circuit court has power to divorce persons from the bonds of matrimony, upon a complaint filed by one of the parties, entitled "In re the marriage of ........................ and ........................," for the causes following:
6) For becoming addicted after marriage to habitual drunkenness or to habitual use of opium, morphine, cocaine or other like drug.

I'm seriously considering just leaving here for a while. Moving down to the beach. I had to wait for school to get out. I had to wait for R the younger to graduate and go to registration for University. I had to wait for Miss R to return from her trip to California.

And now my Mom has decided to have surgery on her hand, which will mean she will be incapacitated for 4-6 weeks, as it's her right hand and she's right handed. She says she can postpone it, but I know she's in a lot of pain, so I hate to ask her to do so.

It's like I find a little door to escape for a while, and when I head towards it...SLAM!

Still I am seeing the marriage counselor tomorrow at 11, on my own...and then I think I might head out for a while, to the beach...we'll see.

in like a lamb

"March roars in like a lion
So fierce,
The wind so cold,
It seems to pierce.

The month rolls on
And Spring draws near,
And March goes out
Like a lamb so dear."
~ Lorie Hill

Only today it's quite lamb-like. Last night we had heavy winds and yet another tornado watch, but today the sun is shining and the wind is mild. It's the kind of weather that knocks the SAD right out of me.

I've decided to start writing again here. Took a long break, I know, but things have been out of sorts for quite a while with me.

They are better. For now.

D went to another rehab program last Spring, after causing a 4 car wreck. Fortunately the other 3 cars were parked and no one was nearby. Fortunately he was not injured, although his car was totaled. Fortunately he was hauled off to jail. He has lost his license for 3 years and has to serve 500 hours community service. He had to serve 90 days in jail, but since he went to a treatment program for 12 weeks the dropped it to 80 days served and 10 days in jail. He served those on weekends last fall.

We are doing well. He's been sober, with only one 'slip' and that was a month after he returned from rehab. He has two sponsors, one is absolutely fantastic. We are starting to do things together again and I am starting to remember why I fell in love with him.

We've been seeing a marriage counselor since last October. Things are going well.

So. I'm back. And feeling better about things.

it's christmas eve!

merry christmas to all my friends at livejournal...i plan on returning to posting in the new year, so see
ya'll in 2011!



"Far away when I was young
Outside my window, straight though dawn
Past the miles of rolling grass
Across the water made of glass...."
~ Lighthouse, Susan Cowsill

My doctor has added Zoloft to my protocol. So I'm taking Zoloft & Wellbutrin together. He said not to expect too much for a few weeks, but that if I started having problems (ie. suicidal) to call him and that we'd try something else.

My doctor can be a real comedian sometimes. I told him that if I was feeling suicidal that I doubted I would bother to call.

For the record, I don't feel suicidal.

The first few days on the new meds really messed with me. I finally decided that if I take them in the evening, after dinner, that if I felt dizzy, etc. then I could just go to bed. I seem to have adjusted to them, and I no longer feel like I'm stoned all the time.

D has remained sober, since his relapse 2 weeks ago. He claims he has no desire to drink again. I don't quite believe that, but it's not my business. He's been going to meetings, but not following up on his meditating or his reading. Again, not my business, but I am worried, because when he gets out of his established routine, the one that gives him peace of mind, then the old 'demons' emerge.

Yesterday was our 4th session with the marriage counselor. D brought up the 'intimacy' issue, as I knew he would. I'm surprised he waited 4 sessions in, I figured that would be the first thing he wanted to discuss.

It was pretty interesting to me, how he processed what the counselor said to him. Especially when he said that he felt that in the past I never initiated intimacy with him...which is flat out bullshit. She explained to him that most women give signals and don't just 'grab the junk' when they want to initiate sex. She also explained to him that because of my trust issues with him that he needs to allow me to decide when I'm ready and that he needs to respect MY need to protect my body and myself.

It was a pretty intense discussion, all in all, and I don't think he got the outcome he was hoping to get, in the end. When we had previously discussed this with his counselor, 4 years ago, it was suggested that we go off for the weekend and boff our heads off. His counselor was a man. By the time the session was over, I was emotionally exhausted. I could have gone to sleep right then and there. I did manage to stay awake until R the Younger rolled in, at 11 p.m.

This morning I walked into a kitchen that is, to put it mildly, a mess. A quick glance and R the Younger's FB status tells me that he attempted to make pancakes at 2 a.m. this morning. Basically they were burned and liquidy at the same time.

B has exams this week. I don't think he's ever going to get out of college. He'll be 22 in September and starting his junior year. He still doesn't know what he wants to major in, although he's currently a business major. Classes at AU begin in August, but he won't enroll until Spring semester. *shakes head*

Miss R adopted a dog last week. She has been asking for one for quite a while, because she never sees her roommate and she's lonely. Also, security factors in, because there was a run of car break-ins in her neighborhood at the beginning of the summer. We found a rescue dog a couple of weeks ago and jumped through all the hoops and I now have my first grand-dog. Who I adore! As you know, having a dog is quite a responsibility, so she's been grumbling about things for the past few days. I'm keeping my mouth zipped...dogs have to be walked, after all. And poop needs to be scooped.

fight, flight, wrong, right

"...changes in attitude, changes in latitude."
~ Jimmy Buffet

Yesterday I was so lethargic I could barely move. I had to make myself go to our girls weekly Bible lesson. Then I had to make myself come back home. I ate some crackers and cheese. R the younger brought me a frapp from Starbucks later in the day. I couldn't fix dinner. Not wouldn't, but couldn't. I went to bed around 1-ish and got up around 7-ish this morning.

Today I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. I wish I could just find a happy medium.

I'm no longer mad at D. I've decided to forgive him, as best I can, and move on. I'm postponing calling an attorney until sometime next week...just playing things by ear right now. <-- this is all subject to change.

I've got The Court Yard Hounds song, The Coast, stuck in my head.

june already?

"Weeping may last for the night, but there is a song of joy in the morning."

Well I can't believe I haven't written anything in here in months. Then again, yeah I can believe I haven't written anything in here in months.

I've been wasting my time on games and FB and real books and I don't know what else.

D will have been in treatment for 11 weeks tomorrow. He decided, on his own, to stay in for 12 weeks, instead of the original 8.

Miraculous, I know.

We are managing while he is away. Money is extremely tight and it seems that every time I get one thing fixed, something else needs work. I'm always finding myself trying to choose which is more important.

Don't get me started on the fucking oil spill in the Gulf either. Then again that's one thing I don't have to worry about trying to fix. It's unfixable. Thanks BP for ignoring your rigs.

The house is actually quiet now. R the Younger had a bunch of friends over to watch the basketball game. They're all Lakers fans, so they were thrilled with the outcome. I just kept my mouth shut...yes, I was pulling for the Celtics. What can I say, I'm not a big Kobe fan.

My nephew took us to look at 5 houses last weekend. The one I liked the most is 'the impossible dream'. It was built in 1926 and is 2 blocks away from campus. I've always really liked this house, it's actually a block away from where I lived in school...but the house needs way too much work to make it affordable. To start with it needs a new roof & all new electric/HVAC work.

I'd really love to move into one of the older homes near downtown, but unfortunately the ones that are on the market are being sold as 'Game Day' houses. People are paying ridiculous amounts of money to own a home they stay in/party in for maybe 16 days a year. Some rent them out to students later.

I'm just ready to move out of this house. It also needs it's share of work, but D has promised that when he gets home [in a week] that we can look at my knock list and start getting it in shape. Of course the market still sucks down here, but I'm hopeful that by the time we get the house in order that we will be able to find a buyer who will pay what we are asking.

It will be great to no longer live next door to the Abhole.

Without going in to too much detail right now, and I may in another entry, D has been gone for almost 3 months and I have not seen or spoken with the Abhole, except for the one time I took the 'impact letter' to the office to fax it to D in treatment. He hasn't called to check and see how I am doing, nor has he called to check and see how his niece and nephews are doing. He's a selfish prick and I want nothing more to do with him.

Hmmm. It's almost tomorrow. Guess I'll turn in and try to get some sleep. Another busy day for me.


a little 'light' reading

holy shit, batman!

First, I had the light-bulb moment in Miss Rose's office, a week and a half ago, and actually admitted that I was 'scared'...then D has this light-bulb moment with his psychologist, James, up in the treatment center, where he admits that certain events from his past has made him controlling over me, and now this.

So, what to do about it all? I can certainly talk with Miss Rose about this, in more detail next week and pray that D and James continue to discuss it, along with his alcoholism. D has been very apologetic about it this past week, but of course I am still gun shy.

Let me tell you this much, it may be obvious to someone on the outside looking in, but to be on the inside of this, you don't even realize what is going on. I don't know if it's something that sneaks up on you, or progresses as time moves on or what.

I will say this much, D has NEVER been the extreme example of this. I think had he been extreme that even I, in the midst of it, would have recognized it for what it is. It was all more subtle, in our relationship. To me that makes it more insidious, because it just seemed normal.

I have always, for as long as I can remember, felt guilty when something went wrong. Even if I had nothing to do with it...I felt guilty for being okay, for being safe or whatever when something bad happened to someone else. With D I have always felt great empathy for the issues and demons that seem to plague him and make him want to abuse alcohol. I think I've figured out the true meaning of being 'The Devil's Advocate' and it's not just taking the worse side for the sake of argument. It's taking on the worse side to the detriment of one's self. I really have to stop doing that.

And folks, you have just witnessed another light bulb moment for me. Maybe a little dim light-bulb moment, because it could be patently obvious to you, but it's all new fangled gadgetry to me.

I have 'homework' to do. I am supposed to write an 'impact letter' to D. So are the kids. We are supposed to tell him how his addiction has impacted us. It's an important part of his recovery. In fact he is supposed to read the letter, aloud, to his 'group' in treatment.

Writing this letter is easier said than done.

I want it to be clear and concise, so that he can understand what this has done to me. Yesterday I decided to sit down and make some bullet points to help me stay focused. So far I have 2 pages, in 8 pt font, of bullet points. I had to stop, because I had to start dinner for the kids. I haven't gone back to it yet, because thinking about it all is tiring. So yeah, I'm putting it off until later. I'm not really certain how to start an impact letter either. Too bad I can't just print out 7 years of journal entries and mail it to him! That would be a book, however, and not a letter.

Ugh! The weather is turning ugly again. We have been under tornado watches since early this morning.



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