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Today is Friday, August 19, the 232nd day of 2016.  There are 134 days left in the year.

It's been a while since I've written, I know. I've had Mom/Daughter health issues going on, plus all this rain we've been dealing with kicks up my SAD, which is sucky. We've been working on trying to get the old house ready to go on the market, but it's been so s-l-o-w. Not sure what's going on with D's head at the moment, other than his working really hard to retain his sobriety. It's been 4 months, which for an addict (and their loved ones) is both a very short and very long time.

The boys have started back to school. R the Younger's last fall semester and maybe B's last fall semester, although I think it's more than likely that next fall will be B's last semester, period. Which is fine. He's really working SO HARD in school, with his job and with his spirituality.

Miss R has been accepted back into University and I am praying that she will take at least one on-line class starting this January, 2017, to get her academic toes wet. I take her on Monday to get her gall bladder checked and on Tuesday to a urologist. Mom goes back to her eye doc in about 10 days.

The 2017 Summer Olympics end on Sunday. Just in time, because I am about Olympic'd out.

Still managing to stay on my diet & exercise routine. It's hard to get the exercise routine going, with my wonky knees, but thank goodness I can walk like a champion! I should hit my goal weight in mid November, before Thanksgiving...I mean literally mid-November, as in November 15th. This is barring any major slips on my part or plateaus. Which, btw, D has hit a plateau and it's driving him crazy, but in a way it makes sense. He lost a good bit fairly quickly, had a steady loss for a few weeks and I got SO SICK of hearing how much he weighed, every time he stepped off the scale. Not my finest moment here, gloating a bit that he's hit a plateau. Of course, being a man, he doesn't follow the diet to the letter...he doesn't understand the difference between Powerade Zero and Gatorade, as far a content. And he never reads labels when he shops, making him frustrated with ME when I tell him he can't eat it until he's in the Consolidation phase of the diet. It's like I'm the meanie here. If he would only READ the diet information, instead of relying on my telling him what to do, he wouldn't be so surprised, right? And as he never really listens to me...

The 'Ho's daughter is getting married in a few months. I have no problem with her daughter, in fact I like her and respect her for the work she's done to make her the young woman she has become. She's marrying a nice guy, albeit older, and into a nice family. So...guess who is NOT invited to the wedding, per the 'Ho? You got it, our family. I still want to give the girl a wedding gift. They are also doing announcements for those not invited to the wedding (it's going to be an 'intimate' affair with all of the Abhole's family but his brother!) and we didn't rate that list either. All per the 'Ho. Found out a few weeks ago, from a mutual friend, that the daughter wanted to invite us to her grad party, last year, and the 'Ho refused to allow it. I mean, with D's issues at the time, we most likely would not have gone, but I would have sent a card or a gift had I known she was having a party. And yeah, it was noticed that we weren't there too.

Gotta let go, gotta let go, gotta let go. Just like D is working on his resentments through AA, I need to do the same if only to be more mentally healthy. Besides, living well & being happy is the best revenge, right?

Wakey, wake, eggs & bakey

Today is Wednesday, Aug. 10, the 223rd day of 2016. There are 143 days left in the year.

Another morning, woke up exhausted. I'm really tired of feeling tired all the time. I don't know if it's the weather or depression or what. Kind of a cycle, if you are sleep deprive you can feel depressed. Also, depression can make you feel tired.

I feel tired. Lack of sleep or depression, doesn't matter. I feel tired.

So, some positive news, I'm averaging about a 3 lb/week weight loss now. So, 8 weeks from now (barring any major plateaus or cheats) I should be at my goal and starting my maintenance. I know I've said it before, but this time I don't care what happens in my life, I'm not going to choose food as comfort. And I'm going to be über smart about my food indulgence choices from now on.

Also, on the positive news front, next week will be R the Youngers last first fall semester of university. He graduates, good Lord willing & the creek don't rise, in May of 2017! Huzzah! And there is the distinct possibility that B will graduate in December of 2017! Not wishing to jinx myself too terribly, Miss R may possibly re-enroll (online classes) in January 2017, and she lacks 24 hours to graduate, so if we can get her rolling, she might actually graduate by December 2017. So 2017 just might be a banner year in our household! Maybe...being cautiously optimistic about my kids here. Of course 2017 could also be the year we lose my Momma or when I end up having to get a divorce because D falls off the wagon again or I might end up being a widow, for that same "wagon" reasoning. So...trying not to put it all in the 2017 decorated basket.

Don't you love how I can take a positive note and drop it to a negative register. Ugh! This is where I get the inkling that I just may be depressed after all. And aren't I the smarty?

So, brunching with 2 scrambled eggs and a couple of slices of turkey bacon. Sounds yummy, right? Think I'll add some of that delicious no-fat cheese for texture.

Too too Tuesday

Today is Tuesday, August 9, the 222nd day of 2016. There are 144 days left in the year.

It's another rainy-ish day.  Ugh.  Not helping on the depression front and only sleeping 2 hours last night didn't further the cause.

Been doing Dukan for 8 weeks now and hit a solid plateau, which sucks. I've done the 'green tea' portion, to sort of boost my metabolism, but really nothing much changed.  I flux about 1 1/2 lbs up and down.  Annoying!
D had a good day.  His brother was NOT an asshole and was absolutely supportive and complementary to him.  *shocker*
Everything is such a wreck around here, trying to sort what to sell from what to keep and what to donate.  Boxes and stuff everywhere, which I cannot stand!  I'm somewhere between just throwing everything in the trash & hanging on to everything.  D wants me to shut down my booth and I suppose I should, since I spend zero time out there and we are spending rent money and not earning anything.

I just want to get stuff done!   I want to get the old house fixed and on the market.  I'm tired of dealing with it all.  We need to just pay someone to fix it and then list it with an agent.  Of course D thinks we should do 'For Sale By Owner'.  Yeah...no.

I hate going to the old house!  HATE it, because it represents loss to me.  Right on up there with when we sold the beach house.  Lost futures, lost potential memories.

I'm tired today, and I want a milkshake.

Back again, again

Codexed will be no more, at the end of September, so I'm trying to find a place to write and remembered this account. Also looking at Penzu. I dunno where I'll end up. Very sad to be losing the last bit of D-X community ties, but that is life. Everything changes. I've changed. I'm older albeit not much wiser.


june 19, 2011::father's day

I hate Father's Day. It only serves to remind me of 2 things. (1) My own father has been gone for almost 11 years & (2) the father of my children is failing them.

I came back home yesterday evening, because the boys had sent some panicked texts about coming home for Father's Day.

Currently they are out, buying Father's Day gifts and cards for their father. They had no ideas what to get him. I can't blame them. We have a closet full of gifts that he has received over the years that have gone un-used.

I opted to not get him a gift or card this year. He's not my father, for one...and I can't remember if he did anything for me on Mother's Day or not.

He's already had a few drinks. Thinks I don't know it....whatever.

june 9, 2011

very brief update: i have run away from home. last friday actually. just couldn't take his shit anymore, so i left. the kids are fine. in fact they are coming down to the beach today to spend the weekend with me.

not sure when i'm going back yet.

the sucky part of this is that when i woke up on saturday i was running a fever and i've been sick since i got here.

so...not much in the way of relaxation and beach walking and reflection for me. some sleep. a lot of sneezing and coughing and sweating and feeling tired.

a lot of his calling and texting and emailing and "missing" me.

heard from the kids that he's been drinking the whole time i've been gone. of course if i had been home he would have been drinking and i'd be sick and having to deal with it, so NO GUILT FELT HERE AT ALL.

heard from my mother that he didn't like living alone...yes, tell an 83 year old widow, who misses her husband every single day since he died 7 years ago that YOU don't like living alone.

ugh. feeling like shit. gonna lie down and hope this passes....watch me have some weird ass disease. :p

june 2, 2011

i woke up to the ringing doorbell. painters are here again today. hopefully they will finish today.

i've already finished 4 loads of laundry, had 2 cups of coffee and 2 tbs of almond butter for protein...ready to start my day. NOT!!!!

i started re-reading "neon angel" this morning, because i adored the runaways when i was a teen. i wanted to be cherie currie. i even had her stage moves down pat and would practice in front of my bedroom mirror with a string tied around my bottle of tickle deodrant.

uh, tmi....

i'm meeting with our marriage counselor in about 45 minutes, on my own.

sure didn't share with D that i was going to do this.

last night was the same ol' same ol'....fixed dinner for the two of us, the boys had headed out and miss R was at her house.

i watched some tv, read for a while. he went to bed around 8:45...i went to bed around midnight...

something has got to give.

if nothing else, the laziness or the incorrect assumption that i am suddenly e.e. cummings...now where is that cap key again????

june 1, 2011

I could have probably just posted the above picture as an entry and left it at that.

It's been going on again since late February, after 6 1/2 months of relative peace and calm.

Our marriage counselor said yesterday that we are a Jekyll & Hyde couple. When we first started meeting with her, last July, things were still in that awkward phase of a couple still new to sobriety...as the months progressed and his sobriety progressed things were fine. Now it's all upside down again.

He's defensive. I'm tearful. Nothing much gets done. In fact I'm starting to think we are wasting our time and hers with the marriage counseling if he's going to continue as he has been over the past 4 1/2 months...which is drinking M-F and sober on the weekends.

I had made the conscious decision last year, while he was in treatment, that if he began drinking again that the marriage was over. I told him as much. Only because I don't want to start hating him.

So now he is drinking again and I'm just sort of frozen. My brain has gone to mush...I can hardly remember or process things. I totally forgot I had a haircut appointment last week and then again this morning. My weight has ballooned up to where I don't even have the courage to stand on the scales and look. Last night I crawled in bed, said my prayers and then just prayed over and over again, "Help me, God, help me".

I spoke with an attorney about legal separation and about divorce. Just to feel out the process. I have grounds. And they are even legal grounds in this state.

(a) The circuit court has power to divorce persons from the bonds of matrimony, upon a complaint filed by one of the parties, entitled "In re the marriage of ........................ and ........................," for the causes following:
6) For becoming addicted after marriage to habitual drunkenness or to habitual use of opium, morphine, cocaine or other like drug.

I'm seriously considering just leaving here for a while. Moving down to the beach. I had to wait for school to get out. I had to wait for R the younger to graduate and go to registration for University. I had to wait for Miss R to return from her trip to California.

And now my Mom has decided to have surgery on her hand, which will mean she will be incapacitated for 4-6 weeks, as it's her right hand and she's right handed. She says she can postpone it, but I know she's in a lot of pain, so I hate to ask her to do so.

It's like I find a little door to escape for a while, and when I head towards it...SLAM!

Still I am seeing the marriage counselor tomorrow at 11, on my own...and then I think I might head out for a while, to the beach...we'll see.

in like a lamb

"March roars in like a lion
So fierce,
The wind so cold,
It seems to pierce.

The month rolls on
And Spring draws near,
And March goes out
Like a lamb so dear."
~ Lorie Hill

Only today it's quite lamb-like. Last night we had heavy winds and yet another tornado watch, but today the sun is shining and the wind is mild. It's the kind of weather that knocks the SAD right out of me.

I've decided to start writing again here. Took a long break, I know, but things have been out of sorts for quite a while with me.

They are better. For now.

D went to another rehab program last Spring, after causing a 4 car wreck. Fortunately the other 3 cars were parked and no one was nearby. Fortunately he was not injured, although his car was totaled. Fortunately he was hauled off to jail. He has lost his license for 3 years and has to serve 500 hours community service. He had to serve 90 days in jail, but since he went to a treatment program for 12 weeks the dropped it to 80 days served and 10 days in jail. He served those on weekends last fall.

We are doing well. He's been sober, with only one 'slip' and that was a month after he returned from rehab. He has two sponsors, one is absolutely fantastic. We are starting to do things together again and I am starting to remember why I fell in love with him.

We've been seeing a marriage counselor since last October. Things are going well.

So. I'm back. And feeling better about things.

it's christmas eve!

merry christmas to all my friends at livejournal...i plan on returning to posting in the new year, so see
ya'll in 2011!




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